My Child Seems Depressed. Where Do I Start?

As a parent, one of the hardest things is seeing your children struggle and not knowing how to help.

Social media, the internet, and even our friends can have a million different ideas about what’s good, who should do what, and where we should get help for our kids. Some of that advice is helpful. Some of it just leaves us more confused.

So how do we cut through the noise?

Here are some things I’ve picked up over years of experience as a parent, through ministry, and through professional training that can help parents and kids bridge that gap and have the first conversation.

Start with what you’ve noticed.

You don’t have to open with, “Are you depressed?” Start with something specific that comes from a place of concern.

“Hey, I’ve noticed you haven’t wanted to spend much time with your friends lately. How are you doing?”

Or, “You seem like you’ve been carrying something heavy. Want to talk about it?”

Pick a moment when you have time to listen. Bringing it up while you’re frustrated about their grades or trying to get everyone out the door probably won’t give either of you much room for a good conversation.

They may say, “I’m fine.” They may shrug. That doesn’t mean you failed. Let them know the door is open, and keep making time for them.

Listen before you try to fix it.

This can be hard for us as parents. We love our kids, so when something hurts them, we want to do something about it.

But sometimes we start giving advice before we really understand what’s going on.

Try asking, “Can you help me understand what that’s been like for you?” Then let them answer without jumping in.

You don’t have to agree with every conclusion they’ve reached to take their feelings seriously. Something that seems small to you may feel overwhelming to them.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you did,” can go a long way.

Be careful with the spiritual answers we give.

I believe in prayer. I believe God meets us in difficult places. I also believe we need to be careful that our words don’t make our kids feel ashamed for struggling.

“You just need to pray more,” or, “You have so much to be thankful for,” may come from a good place. But a hurting child might hear, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” or, “Something is wrong with your faith.”

Psalm 34:18 tells us that God is near to the brokenhearted. We can remind our children of that while giving them room to be honest about how they feel.

Pray with them. Listen to them. Help them get appropriate care. We can do those things together.

Know when to bring someone else into the conversation.

You don’t have to diagnose your child, and you don’t have to wait until you have everything figured out to ask for help.

Changes in sleep, appetite, friendships, schoolwork, or interest in things they normally enjoy are worth paying attention to. Depression can also involve irritability or anger, rather than only looking sad.

Those changes can have different causes. A pediatrician or qualified mental-health professional can help you understand what’s happening, especially when changes persist or begin affecting everyday life.

If your child talks about wanting to die, hurting themselves, or being unable to stay safe, take it seriously and seek immediate professional help. If there is immediate danger, contact emergency services and stay with them until help arrives.

Remember that you need support too.

When your child is hurting, it’s easy to replay everything and wonder what you missed or what you should have done differently.

You need somewhere to bring those fears too. Find a trusted person who can support you while respecting your child’s privacy.

At Passion, we want to walk with your family. A pastor or family-ministry leader can listen, pray, and help you think through your next step. That support can work alongside medical and licensed mental-health care.

You don’t need to have every answer before you sit down with your child. Start with something simple and honest:

“I love you. I’ve noticed you’re struggling, and I want to understand. We can get help together.”

Need someone to talk with? Reach out through our Connect form.