Selfishness is one of the biggest love killers

So what does a pastor who has been divorced have the right to say about marriage, love, and what kills it? Well, first let’s deal with this. Yes, I have been divorced. And no, divorce is not good, but it happens.

In my first marriage, which lasted the better part of two decades, I learned a lot. Some good, some bad, and I made some big mistakes along the way. When my ex and I separated, I spent a while healing, growing, learning, and eventually thinking about what I wanted my next relationship to look like.

When Michelle and I met, we fell in love, combined our families, and got married. She and the kids (we have three in our combined family) are some of the biggest unexpected blessings of my life.

My goal in this series, and really in this blog, is to bring about perhaps a sense of restoration and hope. Hope for your relationship that is failing, that maybe it can be saved. Hope for your future if your relationship did end and you think there is no hope for what comes next. Or maybe your relationship is good right now, and there are some things you can learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others that can help keep it that way.

So, selfishness. Let’s dive into this. There are plenty of Bible verses that talk about selfishness. James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Aren’t they caused by the selfish desires that fight to control you?” Paul says in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,” and then tells us not to look only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. First Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love “keeps no record of wrongs.” Scripture has quite a bit to say about selfishness and what it does to us and the people around us.

But this is also one of those areas where we don’t have to rely on the Bible alone to convince us that selfishness is destructive, because we have all, in some way, either paid the price for our own selfishness or dealt with the ramifications of someone else’s.

Selfishness is near the root of so many of our relationship problems. Think about some of the things couples fight about the most: time, money, sex, kids, schedules, chores, attention. So many of those fights can have selfish motivations mixed into them somewhere. We fight about money because one or both people want to use it differently. We fight about time because we disagree about whose priorities should come first. We fight about sex because our wants, needs, insecurities, expectations, and feelings get involved. Obviously, not every disagreement is selfishness, but selfishness can work its way into almost anything.

One of the biggest problems with selfishness is that it is incredibly hard to see in yourself and VERY easy to see in other people. Because of this, it can sort of compound. I tend not to see where I’m being selfish, but I can easily point out where the people in my life are. Then we start this cycle where both people think they are the only one giving while neither one is seeing the places where the other person is actually trying.

So how do we stop this?

Well, first, you can’t fix someone else’s selfishness. And if you are dating and think getting married will help fix the problems you already have, it will probably go in the opposite direction. Marriage does not magically fix the problems people have before they get married. A lot of times it magnifies them.

So for this blog, let’s focus on what you actually can do, which is watch for and deal with your own selfishness.

First, selfishness demands from others what it is not willing to give. If we find ourselves making demands of someone that we would not make of ourselves, or expecting things from them that we aren’t willing to give them, then there is a pretty good chance we’re being selfish. I want you to respect my schedule, but I don’t respect yours. I want you to understand what I spend money on, but I question everything you buy. I want you to listen when I tell you how I feel, but when you tell me how you feel I immediately explain why you’re wrong.

Selfishness also withholds. Affection, money, time, attention, forgiveness, conversation, sex, encouragement, whatever it might be. If every time you get mad you automatically start withholding something from the other person, there is probably some selfishness involved. James 4:17 says, “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” Sometimes the selfish thing isn’t what we do to someone. Sometimes the selfish thing is what we know we should do and refuse to do.

Selfishness also keeps score. It remembers when and where things happened, what was said, how it was said, and even though we say we forgive, somehow we keep that information around in case we need it later. The problem is that 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs. Keeping score has never built a better marriage. If I’m keeping score, then I’m trying to win something, and if I have to beat my wife to win, did either of us actually win? So how do we stop this? Well, there are probably a million ways to go about it, but for this blog I want to focus on one.

Every day, do the opposite.

Every day, go out of your way to say or do something that has nothing to do with you, what you want, or what you get out of it. Do something simply because it helps the person you love.

For example, and these will probably be skewed toward guys because, well, I am one, but the concept is just as powerful for ladies. Instead of waiting for your spouse to ask you to take out the trash, do the dishes, vacuum, spend time with them, put your phone down, help with the kids, or whatever it is, just do it WITHOUT being asked.

I get it, you’re busy just like I am and everyone else. I get it, you have bad days, you’re tired, you have things you want to do and things you need to get done. But remember, this exercise needs to have nothing to do with you and everything to do with helping your partner. Put their needs above yours sometimes. Put their feelings above yours. Put their schedule above yours. And do it without being asked and without holding it against them or keeping score.

Because it negates the whole point if you do something for them and then get upset when they don’t reciprocate. You aren’t doing this so they will do something for you. You’re doing this because you love them and they are your partner.

Philippians 2 gives us Jesus as the ultimate picture of this. Jesus had every right to demand, but instead He served. He could have kept score, but instead He gave Himself for us. Even when we didn’t deserve it, Jesus went first.

That’s really the challenge I want to leave you with. Stop waiting for the other person to go first. You probably didn’t do that when you first fell in love anyway. You fought to go first. You texted first, called first, planned something first, showed affection first, apologized first. Somewhere along the way a lot of us stopped doing that.

So this week, go first again. Not because they earned it. Not because you know they’ll return the favor. Not because it’s going to magically fix everything overnight. Do it because you love them.

Selfishness asks, “What about me?” Maybe love needs us to start asking, “What about you?” a little more often.