Before we talk about biblical submission, I want to ask something of you — something that might feel uncomfortable, but I believe it’s necessary. Please don’t jump to conclusions halfway through this blog. This subject carries a lot of history — some beautiful, some painful, and some deeply distorted. For many people, submission has been misused, Scripture has been weaponized, authority has been abused, and relationships have been harmed rather than healed. Some of you reading this carry real wounds from past experiences. Wounds from churches. Wounds from relationships. Wounds from people who claimed “biblical authority” while doing things God never endorsed. I want you to hear this clearly: my goal is not to reopen those wounds. My goal is to bring clarity, healing, truth, unity, and grace — not division. So as we walk through this topic, I’m asking you to do three things: Lay down bias — both positive and negative. Not every man is controlling. Not every woman is rebellious. Not every marriage abuse story reflects God’s design. Not every tradition was right. Not every “new idea” is wrong. Please release past distortions and listen to Scripture itself. We’re not approaching this through cultural stereotypes, abusive patterns, patriarchal extremes, modern overcorrections, or personal preferences. We’re approaching it biblically — with open hearts. Give space for grace — for yourself and for others. Whether you’ve been hurt, confused, defensive, or unsure about submission… breathe. Let God speak with clarity, not culture with noise. I am writing this not to control anyone, but to educate, not to pressure anyone, but to bring truth, not to condemn anyone, but to bring healing, not to assign blame, but to bring unity. My heart is that we walk away with: a biblical understanding, deeper mutual respect, clarity on what God actually intended, and grace for one another’s stories. Keep in mind, we are talking about this subject in the context of marriage. This is not a commentary on the structure of society, the church, the workplace, or any other situation. Now — with gentleness, honesty, and open hearts — let’s explore what the Bible really says about submission. 1. Biblical Submission Begins With Mutual Submission (Ephesians 5:21) This is important to start with because people get so bent out of shape about one person submitting more or less than the other. Before Paul says anything about husbands or wives, he begins with a command to everyone: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” — Ephesians 5:21 This matters. We often hear submission talked about as if it is something only women do, or as something nasty and demeaning. But Scripture teaches that every follower of Jesus is called to a posture of humility and submission toward others. God holds both men and women to high standards of humility, service, love, honor, and Christlike character. Too often, people pick one or two verses to support their viewpoint without considering the entire passage, the entire story of Scripture, the balance of responsibility, or the mutuality God designed. We cannot say, “Women should submit,” while ignoring all the times Scripture calls men to submit to God, to sacrificial love, to humility, and to putting their wives above their own desires. Likewise, we cannot deny that mutual submission — both spouses living humbly and honoring one another under Christ — is the only way a biblical relationship thrives and reflects Jesus. Remember the beginning of Scripture: God did not say it was “not good” for man to be alone because he needed someone to control. He said it because he needed a helper/partner — someone who fills in the gaps, complements him, strengthens him, and stands beside him with equal value and worth. In return for that partnership, the support, the helpmate, his job is to protect her, put her needs above his own, and beyond. The Bible is clear: submission is a shared calling — not a gendered punishment. 2. Men Are Called to Submit Too The Bible never tells men to force or demand submission from their wives. It tells them to submit to Christ, to obey God, and to imitate Jesus’ sacrificial love. Scripture says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25 A man cannot lead biblically unless he is submitted to Christ. If he is not walking in humility, obedience, self-sacrifice, and servant-hearted leadership, then he is not fulfilling his God-given role. Biblical leadership is not about superiority. It is about serving first. And the ultimate model for men is Jesus Himself. 3. Jesus Shows Us What Submission Truly Looks Like If you want to understand biblical submission, look at Jesus. He submitted to the will of the Father out of love, respect, trust, unity, and devotion. He went places He didn’t want to go. He endured suffering He didn’t deserve. He obeyed commands that were costly to fulfill to advance a shared mission. He prayed, “Not my will, but Yours be done.” Jesus proves something essential: submission is not weakness. Submission is a strength. Submission is love in action. And if Jesus — the Son of God — lived a submitted life, then submission cannot be about inferiority. It is about relationship and purpose. 4. What “Wives, Submit to Your Husbands” Actually Means This verse has been misinterpreted, misused, and weaponized in ways that do not reflect God’s heart. So let’s look closely at the original language Paul used. The word translated “submit” in Ephesians 5:22 is the Greek word: ὑποτάσσω — hupotassō (hoo-pah-TASS-oh) This word does not mean blind obedience, control, silence, or forced compliance. It carries the ideas of: Voluntarily aligning with, supporting a shared mission, partnering with, honoring leadership, creating unity, and offering strength. It is a relationship word, not often a power word. When Greek writers wanted to express “obey,” they often used a different word: ὑπακούω — hupakouō That word is commonly used for children obeying parents, servants obeying masters, and believers obeying God. Paul does not use that word for wives. Why? Because he is not describing a master/slave relationship. He is describing a voluntary, relational partnership — a posture of ordered unity. This matches perfectly with the woman described in Proverbs 31: strong, wise, resourceful, hardworking, godly, respected by her community, and clearly not passive or powerless. Her strength honors her husband and builds her family; it does not diminish her. A wife’s biblical submission is: offered freely, rooted in love, anchored in mutual respect, tied to the husband’s submission to Christ and her, and always aligned with God’s will. Submission is not weakness — it is a strength expressed by both partners through unity. And remember: Jesus Himself lived a life of submission to the Father — not out of inferiority, but out of love and purpose. Biblical submission calls husbands and wives to reflect that kind of Christlike humility — not to suffer under control. 5. The Big Question: “Does This Mean a Woman Must Obey Her Husband Without Question?” Absolutely not. The Bible does not say: “Wives, blindly obey your husbands.” “Husbands rule your wives.” “Women have no voice.” A wife is called to submit as unto Christ — meaning she honors her husband’s spiritual leadership when he is following Christ. She is never commanded to: follow him into sin, tolerate abuse, surrender her identity, or abandon her God-given wisdom and calling. Submission is not control. Submission is not coercion. Submission is not demanded — it is chosen. If a husband, or either spouse for that matter, demands submission, they already misunderstand it. 6. Biblical Marriage: Equal Value, Distinct Callings — And What That Doesn’t Mean Let’s make something very clear: some of the things people say today in the name of “biblical” marriage are nowhere in Scripture. Statements like: “My wife has to ask my permission to spend money.” “She needs my permission to leave the house.” “She has sex with me whenever I want.” “She submits, I lead — end of story.” Personally, I have heard all these statements from both parties in a marriage, and none of these reflect God’s design. Not one. These are distortions, not doctrines. The Bible does not call husbands to treat wives like children. It does not diminish a woman’s autonomy or personhood. It does not give men “final say” on every household detail. From a man's point of view, Guys, we need to realize God did not give men a servant. He gave us a partner. A God-Honoring Marriage Looks Like This: The spouse who is stronger at finances manages the money in a respectful, God-honoring way. The spouse who is the better communicator handles communication. The spouse who is the stronger provider provides. The spouse who is the more natural nurturer nurtures. These are expressions of giftings, not gender stereotypes. Marriage thrives when each person does what God has gifted them to do — for the good of the whole home. And even when one spouse leads in a practical area through gifting, decisions are still made in unity, through prayer, and with mutual honor. What Spiritual Headship Really Means (And the Greek Word Behind It) The one role Scripture consistently gives uniquely to husbands is spiritual headship. Paul writes: “For the husband is the head (κεφαλή — kephalē) of the wife as Christ is the head (kephalē) of the church.” — Ephesians 5:23 The Greek word kephalē carries the idea of head/leader with responsibility — like Christ’s headship of the church — expressed through sacrificial love, initiative, and care. It does not mean: dictator, boss, ruler, or automatic final decision-maker on all earthly matters. Spiritual headship means: A husband leads the way spiritually. He takes responsibility for the spiritual tone of the home. He prays for and with his family. He models Christlike character. He repents quickly. He sacrifices first. He protects against spiritual harm. He points his family to Jesus. Headship means he goes first in sacrificial leadership, not that he gets the final say for every situation in life. It’s responsibility before it’s authority. It’s serving before it’s steering. And it’s laying down his life for the good of his family. Marriage is a partnership where two people are moving toward the same mission, but you won’t always see every situation the same way. Sometimes a decision has to be made even when both spouses love Jesus, love each other, and are aiming at the same goal, but aren’t aligned on which choice to make. In those moments, Scripture gives us a spiritual design, and wisdom gives us practical application. And just to be clear: I’m talking here about marriage and family dynamics — not writing a broad statement on church structure or leadership. Spiritual headship: God’s design for the husband Here’s the part that can feel controversial in our culture, but it’s still biblical: God assigns spiritual headship in the home to the husband. That doesn’t mean he’s more valuable. That doesn’t mean he’s smarter. That doesn’t mean he’s always right. It means God holds him uniquely accountable to lead the family spiritually with humility and sacrifice. A few verses that capture this clearly: Ephesians 5:23, 25 — the husband is called to loving headship the way Jesus loves the church… by giving Himself up for her. 1 Corinthians 11:3 — speaks to God’s order of spiritual responsibility in the home. Genesis 2–3 — Adam is held responsible even when Eve acts first, which shows the weight of his accountability. So spiritually speaking, when a decision has to be made, and you’ve prayed, processed, and cannot come to an agreement, God’s design places the final responsibility on the husband — not as a privilege, but as a burden he carries for the good of the family. Example: You’ve both prayed, you’re unified in direction, but you disagree on whether to take a job, move cities, or enroll a child in a certain school. In that rare deadlock, spiritual headship means the husband carries the responsibility to choose under Christ — never against her wellbeing or God’s Word. Here’s the other side that must be said just as strongly: Scripture gives women permission — and sometimes a mandate — to step up when a man will not lead, or is leading toward harm. Headship is not a blank check for passivity, control, or sin. If a husband isn’t leading toward Jesus, a wife is not called to follow him into darkness. She is called to honor Christ first. For example: If a husband is apathetic spiritually — won’t pray, won’t pursue church, won’t lead the kids in faith — a wife absolutely can and should lead the family toward Christ anyway. She can set the pace spiritually: bringing the kids to church, praying over the home, opening Scripture, asking hard questions, and inviting her husband upward. If a husband is leading in an unhealthy or sinful direction — like addiction, abuse, infidelity, reckless choices, or spiritual compromise — a wife is not only allowed to resist that direction, she is responsible to do so. In those cases, her leadership is protection, faithfulness, and courage. If a husband is present but immature — meaning he wants to lead but doesn’t know how — a wife can guide him into becoming the kind of leader worth following. That might look like encouragement, accountability, honest conversations, counseling, or even saying, “I believe God called you to lead us — let’s grow into that together.” Think of it this way: Headship is not domination; it’s discipleship. And when discipleship is absent, the family still needs leadership toward Jesus. Practical leadership: The partner who is most equipped leads in that area Outside of spiritual headship, the person most qualified for a given area should usually lead and make the final call in that area. That’s not rebellion against biblical design; it’s wise stewardship. Examples: Finances: If the wife is more experienced with budgeting, investing, or managing money, she should lead that area. The husband should trust her wisdom and support the plan. (And vice versa — if he’s the stronger one there, he leads.) Parenting and kids: If one spouse has greater skill, intuition, or experience around child development, education, or discipline, that spouse should drive those decisions. The other spouse doesn’t check out — they follow, contribute, and reinforce. Scheduling & home management: If one spouse naturally sees the calendar, rhythms, and logistics better, it’s smart for them to take point. That’s leadership too. What this protects against This balance keeps marriage from drifting into two unhealthy extremes: Passive headship: “I’m the head, so I don’t have to do anything.” No — that’s not biblical masculinity. Headship means initiative, not indifference. Authoritarian headship: “I’m the head, so I always get the final say.” No — that’s not biblical either. Headship means sacrificial responsibility, not control. A simple summary Spiritually, God designed the husband to carry the final spiritual responsibility in the home. If he refuses to lead or leads into sin, the wife is encouraged to lead the family toward Jesus and safety. Practically, in everyday life, the most equipped spouse should lead the area they’re strongest in. In all things, leadership looks like serving, listening, praying, and seeking unity — not winning. That’s headship the way Jesus modeled it: strong, humble, sacrificial, and for the flourishing of the people He loves. Christ as head does not dominate the church — He died for her. That is the model. Women Also Lead, Rescue, and Guide Biblically — Often Powerfully Scripture is full of examples of women leading, saving, and spiritually guiding their families and nations: Abigail — 1 Samuel 25 Saved her foolish husband, Nabal, and her entire household through wisdom and decisive action. Deborah — Judges 4–5 A prophetess and judge who led Israel, commanded armies, and guided Barak into obedience. Esther — The Book of Esther Saved her entire nation through courage and strategic leadership. Priscilla — Acts 18:24–26 Helped teach and correct Apollos, a gifted preacher — her name often listed before her husband’s. Lois & Eunice — 2 Timothy 1:5 Raised Timothy, one of the great leaders of the early church, with strong faith, without any mention of a male spiritual leader. The Proverbs 31 Woman — Proverbs 31:10–31 Runs businesses, manages money, makes decisions, leads her home, and is respected in her community. The Samaritan Woman — John 4 Became the evangelist to her entire town after encountering Jesus. Mary Magdalene — John 20 The first witness of the resurrection — entrusted by Jesus Himself. Women are not spiritually passive in Scripture. They are essential, powerful instruments of God. 7. Submission in Real Life: What It Should Look Like A healthy, biblical marriage looks like: a husband who listens, leads with humility, serves first, and sacrifices willingly; a wife who honors, encourages, and partners wholeheartedly; decisions made through prayer together, not dictated by one; conflict handled with grace, not threats; roles lived out in love, not fear. Biblical submission is never forced. It grows naturally where love, trust, and Christlike character exist. 8. A Better (And Biblical) Vision for Marriage When we interpret submission biblically — not culturally, not abusively, not selectively — here’s what we discover: God’s design for marriage is not about control — it’s about completion. Eve was created as a helpmate — not a subordinate — but a partner who fills in the gaps, strengthens her husband, and by extension, her family. A Proverbs 31 woman is strong, skilled, respected, influential, and deeply godly. A Christlike husband is humble, servant-hearted, sacrificial, protective, faithful, and gentle. When both submit to Christ, and both submit to each other… Everyone flourishes. No one is diminished. And Christ is glorified.